Feeling Down

I'm stuck in a rut at the moment and I am not sure how to get through.  It just seems like one thing after another.  Abby starting daycare, a trip to the dentist with news that I am going to need some major work done that is going to cost a fortune, going to buy some new bras and having to buy size 18F!!!!!, dreading that I have to go back to work next week and in general feeling teary and sad.

I took these horrible photos of me last week and I wasn't sure that I was going to share them but what the hell.... life can't really get much worse. 

At least with the board shorts it hides all the celulite.  My gosh it is so so hideious.  I want to hide under a rock forever.

Week 2 - Totally Stuffed It

Well I was going to say f@#ked it but that wouldn't be nice would it!  Well week two is gone and there is no more weight lost.  I am pissed at myself because I have let my emotional eating get the better of me - today was a shocker.

My little bub started daycare today as I am due back at work next Tuesday.  I am totally crushed and an emotional wreak.  I mean what sort of parent puts a six month old into daycare four days a week. Stupid mortgage, stupid job, stupid house - ok I guess I am angry too.  I feel like a bad mother and I miss my little bubby girl so so much.

Tomorrow I need to start afresh.  How do I do that when I feel like shit?  The guilt is horrible.

And I'm going back to work next week just as heavy as when I left to go and have my baby.  I feel like a stupid fat slob.  Embarrassed and fat.

I am hoping that a good nights sleep will bring some clarity.  I have also joined a new facebook group of lovely EB ladies who are all in the same weight loss boat. 

Back to square one.

Health and Wellbeing

These two really go hand in hand.  My health is a big thing for me.  I have had high blood pressure since I was 18.  There is no medical reason for it - it is simply Essential Hypertension and I have been medicated for many years.  Obviously it cannot be helped by the fact that I am overweight.  So if you add the blood pressure issues together with being overweight and also add gestational diabetes the most likely outcome is Type 2 Diabetes. 

So far I have avoided the diagnosis but I have come close and my body does not process sugar well hence it should be avoided.

Today I met with my endocrinologist, she manages my BP and also my sugar issues especially when I was pregnant.  Now I have weaned Abby we are about to shake things up a bit with my medication - time to try something new, I am also going back some other medication to assist with my insulin levels. 

To keep me focused today I have found a virtual weight loss avatar.  The first shot is my build at 102kg.  The second at 75kg.  I can do this! 

Week 1 - Check In

Well this week seems to have flown by so fast.  On the diet front things have been a little slack with too much emotional eating.  I am happy to say that I did move move - a few walks to the shops with the kids instead of taking the car. 

The result is .9 kg down - I am now 101kg.  Normally I would throw in the towel at this point and be disappointed at not losing more.  But I am happy - after all that is .9kg of fat that is now gone FOREVER.

This week my focus is to reduce my carbs and only snack on the allowable foods.  I am using Isowhey shakes this time as the sugar levels are so much lower than TF style shakes.  I am also loving the Symply Too Good To Be True Cookbook.  It has a Masterclass in the back that I plan on doing after I have lost the initial kick start weight.

I am also debating whether to go back to Contours or to get an exercise bike....  hmmm more research required.

Focus

Well with the floods all around us, this week has been a tough one. It has been impossible to take your eyes off the TV and I keep looking out the window at all the water that we can see in the valley below us.

I have started doing a few weeks of shakes - I know they work fast and I really need to drop some kilos to fit back into my work clothes. For me they are not really a long term option - I love my food too much. Unfortunately I have been struggling with emotional eating so the shakes aren't really doing their thing. The other issue is the lack of fresh food in our local area - we aren't sure how bad this will get.

The sun has come out today so at least I can get out and do some walking. I need to move and to get away from the TV.

Here We Go!

Well I am still balancing things out around here.... so please bear with me. This blog is really for me, about me and needed by me to keep me sane and accountable through this year of development and change.

I guess you could call it a metamorphisis. Sometimes it isn't going to be pretty. I know that but I just have to start. Step by step things are going to start falling into place.

So this is the starting point. Horribily overweight - 101.9kg - yes I think they call that obese. Health issues - blood pressure and blood sugar issues. Esteem issues - yes I feel crap, disgusting and fat. Personal development - I want some time for me. I want to have more energy for my kids. I want to be a great role model. I want to be proud of who I am. I want my marriage to grow. I want to get back my confidence.

So this is the starting point.